ksharrdii79

I was having a great day. Woke up next to the person I love, kissed her before I left to catch the bus. Work was awesome , got freight all put away and stocked before 2pm. Ranked number one in spiffs (bonus for selling certain products) out of my fellow co-workers. It was a nice cool day, the sun was out and there wasn't that many clouds in the sky. That was from the good.

   Now to the reminder that yes I did screw up. Its something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

   I got home and checked my e-mail. There was an e-mail from my ex-wife. "Wow" I thought maybe she want to see how I am doing. Or tell me about how SOLAR went last weekend. .... Shit! The Subject is titled "It's done." So I open it to read it. Tje start is telling me that the divorce is done and that the papers will be sent to my mom and dads house. And that she really needs the money for the lawyers and the rings when I can send it. "Ok cool I told her I would and will stick to my word." Then it goes on how she has a few questions for me and how she didn't want to start an argument over the phone. "What the fuck!" As I continued to read on. Reading words that I know is not her but a certine person who from the start of all of this has been putting a bug in her ear and swaying her actions.
   At the end of the email is quote "I loved you. I thought you loved me too, but no you didn't. No matter if you say you do or did, actions speak louder than words. I'm done being hurt by you and your choices, I don't ever want to be hurt like that again, ever. We're done, fore ever. If you want to resond to this e-mal that's fine, but don't call or text me anymore, it hurts too much." How the fuck do you think it feels for me when I called... knowing that I hurt her so damn deeply for her to push for the divorce with in less than a week when things went down hill...

Reading that and the statement, ,"Congratulations you screwed up. Not only did you screw up your life, mine, but a lot of people around us.I am done hurting, all I want to do is move on with my life with out your screw-ups haunting me. Unfortunately, they will continue to haunt me because I stayed, I didn't run away."   That hurts me to hear her say that, for when I made the choice to move up here from the MS, Gulf cost she agreed that its what I needed to do to get my self back to where I can get myself back in order. That statement there is was a certain person said when I told him what I was doing. "You are running away from the problems that you caused." No I am did the move so I can carry on knowing that I couldn't save the marriage that I messed up. Even putting out the option of marriage counseling which she refused "It never works." Well that showed me that she didn't want to save the marriage or even try to.

   I have maybe three to five "friends" back in MS, if I can cal them that. I have talked to maybe two whom still I will call them friends. I left every one that was on my Myspace list that are from the MS crew, my cell phone number, e-mail. Have I heard from them?? No... So this is going to sound harsh but they have already done it to me.... So FUCK THEM! Not going to bad mouth Kristina she is still a lovely woman but to everyone else down in MS who told me to my face, "Leave a number, E-mail and we'll still be here for you." FUCK YOU! No wait no not fuck you but good ridden to worthless sacks of flesh that is doing nothing for this world but taken up the much needed oxygen. Get off your asses and do something that you say you where going to do.

   Yes I cheated on her, yes I kept it to my self. Yes I fucked up, and yes there isn't a day that goes by that I think "What the fuck was I thinking?" It hurt knowing that those I once called "Friend, Brother or Sister." now thinks of me as a coward and that I ran away..
When Kristina asked me to tell everyone what I did, and the truth about my past. So that the y would know the truth, I did and they sat there and told me to my face that yes they are hurt by the lies I told and that I cheated on her, but yet that they respected me for comming to them and not over the phone, texts, or e-mail telling them to their face what I have done and how I feel on what I did. That they'd still be my friends and be there for me if I needed to talk to someone.... Where the fuck are they now, where the fuck have they been for the past four months that I have been up here in WA? WHERE?? Not being what they told me what they'd be that's for sure.

   When Ivan was threatening to ransack the Gulf cost, I call her and checked up on her to see how everyone was. I called, text her to pass my number off to someone to whom I thought was my best friend... and who was my best man at my wedding... No one returns my calls or texts...e-mail...Myspace messages...save for three, Sam, Jewel, and one person I befriended at SOLAR to for the life of me I can not remember her name. But those tree are the only true friends that I have left back down in MS? Only time will tell.

I am done ranting and raving....done crying and wanting to hit something (which I have refrained from doing). I am heading off to a hot bath to relax and hopefully release the stress.....

And No I will not EVER make the same mistakes with K'sharra. She means too much to me, she was been my dear friend through all of this. A dear friend and roommate for a time back in MS. I have known her for 13 plus years, gone to the same school...Been there for each other when the other needed a shoulder to cry on. Been the extra shove when we needed it, been there to see our rock bottom, and now... She has been my friend, my confidante, and my love.

Current Mood: And Hurt

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